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Friday, February 28, 2014

Delicate Balancing Act

It's been months since an update and I promise that I've been writing blog posts in my head but they never made it to this blog! (Don't you hate when that happens?) I think it's because I've been living this delicate balancing act of work, cancer treatment, my TV hosting career and oh yeah, trying to have a personal life. It's a lot. A. Lot. And most days I think that everything will be fine, it's good to be busy, I have less time to think about cancer, but a few days ago I almost starting crying while walking to work (which is always so embarrassing) and I wanted to yell at myself to pull it together because frankly I was running late and had no time to feel sorry for myself. I have an annoying habit of feeling really sorry for myself an inopportune times (i.e., at my desk, on the subway, when the pizza delivery guy shows up, etc.) instead of crying alone in bed or the shower like a normal person.
This photo doesn't have anything to do with anything, except that
I like it, it's fierce, and cancer can't take away my SMIZE (Hey Tyra!)

I think the fact that I've been living with cancer for 4 1/2 years is either something I don't think about or it suddenly weighs on me so hard that I think I can't breathe and I literally want to shut down, fall to the floor and break into a million pieces. Oh yeah, and stand in the middle of Times Square and have a temper tantrum. Damn that would feel good. But most days I try to shove it out of my mind and just live my life and think of cancer as something on my to-do list...frankly my doctors have said that I've done so well because my life is so full and I don't dwell on the sad stuff, but every now and then it catches up with me.

Even so, after I have a breakdown I can turn on the TV or pick up a magazine or chat with a friend abut the most inconsequential thing in the world (what will Lupita Nyong'o wear to the Oscars? Is Lisa from RHOBH really that conniving?) and I laugh to myself because I realize that I'm still ME. Even though I get REALLY pissed off that I'm still dealing with cancer and clinical trials, and not celebrating my 4th year of remission, I just have to accept this is what my new life is--post cancer diagnosis. This is the new Morgan and she's pretty amazing. How do I do it? I have no freaking idea. I just do.

On the treatment front, a month ago we found out the latest treatment stopped being as effective. Again, on to a new medication. This one is an oral pill and IV medication that my doctor promised wouldn't make my hair fall out--there goes old Morgan again! It's frustrating, it's sad, but it's not devastating. I'm used to hearing yay and nay every few months and I'm just thankful to God that there are other options for me. Right now I'm in LA for work so life goes on! I'll just keep balancing.