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Thursday, June 21, 2012

Anniversaries...

I am very into celebrations. Birthdays and Anniversaries are totally my thing...any excuse for a party! I never understood people who don't like to celebrate their birthday...it's the one day that's all about you...I've actually been thinking about what I would do for my 30th birthday for the past 6 years, no joke...it's kinda crazy that it's actually happening this year. So I love to celebrate! I mean I was the girl who had a wig party and a "I pretty much beat cancer" party (albeit it was a little premature, but any excuse for a celebration!)

So when Ross and I celebrated our 1 year anniversary a few weeks ago on June 4th, I was sad to realize I didn't have the same joy that I normally have for such a milestone. No, it has nothing to do with our marriage (although my husband can't seem to make the bed the exact way I would like! He says we have too many throw pillows, and I vehemently disagree, but that's a whole 'nother newlywed conversation), it's just that, for me, our dream wedding is wrapped up in one of the worst things that ever happened to me.  It's so hard for me to separate the joy/excitement/love I felt on our wedding day and throughout our honeymoon without thinking about what came afterwards.

June 24th is the day I almost died from a massive pulmonary embolism. And that date or "anniversary" will always stick out in my mind, forever intwined with my amazing wedding and fabulous honeymoon. I had 20 wonderful days of being married before my life was changed forever. I know that I'm lucky to be here, but it pisses me off to no end that this had to happen. I love looking at wedding photos, but I can't help thinking if we didn't go on our honeymoon, if we just stayed in New York, if I wasn't on birth control, if I had just moved around more on the 9 hour flight (which every time I think about it, I know I moved around a lot, but I still beat myself up about it), if, if if....I pray for the day when I can let it go, but now it makes me so sad to think how I could have prevented it, had I known what was to come.

When people say, "oh my God, I can't believe your 1st year went by so fast!," I always think that my blood clot incident feels like yesterday. I feel forced to smile and just focus on the wedding day, the honeymoon and the great times we have had in this past year, and not focus on the fear and isolation I felt in the days that followed the incident.  But it's reallllllyyyyy hard.

On this date last year I had just returned from Greece, so happy about our marriage and our future, and then three days later my husband of 20 days was forced to realize that he might lose me. The man who has been by my side every step of the way in this cancer journey watched me go from totally normal (talking, laughing, trying on clothes for a trip to the Hamptons) to not being able to breathe and having a team of EMTs work on me--in a matter of minutes. And while I'm eternally grateful for Ross and the fact that he acted so quickly, called 911, made sure I was taken to the right hospital and made the decision for me to have life saving surgery, no new husband should ever have to go through that. I struggle with feeling so guilty about putting him in that position, it's all still so raw and painful, despite being nearly a year ago. I know he's just happy to have me alive, and he doesn't like to talk about that day, but I think about it constantly.

Regardless, I'm still me! And despite the conflicted way I feel about June and the best and worst things that happened to me, I still wanted to celebrate June 4th and my marriage, so we went on anniversary trip to St. Maarten! We spent 4 days relaxing on the beach and drinking lots of margaritas and it was great. As much as I would like to wallow in my emotions (I'm a big pity party person, I like a good, dramatic crying session), my fight isn't over, so I know I need to keep focused on the future--and more incredible anniversaries, birthdays and celebrations.

Soooo...to pick myself up, I relish in the fact that our wedding was featured on Elizabeth Anne Designs wedding website back in January, click here to view. I can't say enough about my fabulous wedding planner Heather Bryson and photographer Tara Mauldin--they really made our dreams (ok, my dreams and Ross's dreams after I told him what I liked) come true!

And our equally fabulous videographer Alan Daly featured us in this video montage of summer weddings:
http://vimeo.com/27508613
Ross and I are around the 1:20 mark, it may take a while to load before viewing. Our final wedding video was 2 hours and such a great memento of the day!