Follow by Email

Sunday, February 19, 2012

Pissed Off

This post was going to be about other annoying side effects of my blood clot incident (I found out that I tore my meniscus when I passed out from the clot...another thing to deal with!), but it changed when I found out that Whitney Houston died. I was shocked and saddened and glued to the TV after I learned the news. I love Whitney's music and it was a soundtrack to my childhood. In recent years we all knew that she had issues with drugs and alcohol and it was tragic to see her change before our eyes. Although the official cause of death is not yet known, as I watched more coverage of her life and death, I began to get upset at the fact that she had ruined her life with illegal drugs while I am fighting for mine. And frankly I'm pissed about it.

I know that fame is not easy for some people and as we've seen with Michael Jackson and Amy Winehouse, many people turn to drugs and alcohol to get through it. But they are willingly killing their organs, leaving the world far too soon and wasting such great talent. Meanwhile someone like me just wants to live. Some would argue that drug/alcohol addiction is an illness and people can relapse as they do in cancer treatment (by the way, can we find a new term for falling of the wagon? the word relapse when not related to cancer really pisses me off). But the difference is the control. You have the control when you decide to pick up a crack pipe or down a bottle of vodka. Cancer takes away all control. You can't control if the disease begins or comes back. If you have no symptoms, often you don't even know the evil that is in your body until you have a scan. I would give anything to have control. So once again, I'm pissed off. Because addicts are knowingly consuming products that are killing them. And they like the way they feel doing it because they can escape the trials and tribulations of every day life.

I mean, we've all been there. We've all had moments where life was too hard and we wanted to escape. Maybe we've even wondered what it would be like to not be alive anymore. But trust me, once you've been told that you have an illness that could take life away from you, you want nothing more than to live. It's just not fair. Recently a friend of mine that was in remission for 3 years from Non Hodgkin's Lymphoma learned that her cancer was back. I am in touch with several young women, all in their twenties, that have been fighting this nasty disease for years. Years. Their youth has been tarnished, all they want to do is live, and they do anything in their power to do so. Yet a crackhead or alcoholic just throws life away. Maybe I'm simplifying it because I've never been an addict so I don't know what it's like, I just see it from the outside and it upsets me greatly. I just read the blog of a 29 year old woman who incidentally went to the same doctor as me. She was a nurse, married with one child. She fought for 6 years and died on February 6th after her liver failed. Her blog scared me, it made me cry, and it fired me up even more about this issue.

I think of Whitney and while I'm still in disbelief over her death, I'm also mad at her! Her family, her mother, her 18 year old daughter are now left to wonder why. It's frustrating for me to know that her death was avoidable, so I can only imagine how it feels for her family. It didn't have to happen like that. I know this is an angry post, but it's how I feel. As a fan, I'm extremely sad. But as a cancer patient, I'm just pissed off.