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Sunday, December 11, 2011

Omg, I Die.

Continuing my rant on all things that make you think about cancer when all you want to think about is sunshine and butterflies (lol) are the phrases that all of us say without even thinking about it...namely, "I was "dying" laughing over that story", "I'm gonna kill you", "Omg, I thought I was gonna die listening to him", or my favorite expression by Bravo star/stylist Rachel Zoe, simply "I Die" or even "Die" which she says every time she sees an outfit she loves or "dies" for.

It seems silly, but I was struck by this the other day after dinner with a group of girls. One girl was telling a story and another girl was laughing so hard she said "stop it, you're killing me, I'm dying!". Why do we use that phrase so much when something is so hilarious or amazing or annoying that we're like, totally dying over it? It's so crazy, yet I'm guilty as charged. Yeah I've "died" over something someone has said or said I was gonna "kill" a friend (or Ross) for pissing me off and never thought twice about it. Yet, after my blood clot experience where I really did almost "die", it doesn't seem so funny anymore. Yes, I'm uber aware of everything I see/hear/think that's related to death, so it makes me sensitive to almost anything that a so-called normal person wouldn't even think about. And yeah that sucks. I hate being like that, I feel like I'm one big ball of emotions and should wear a sign on my head that says, "please tread lightly, may start crying uncontrollably". I miss the days when watching Wendy Williams play with her wig on TV didn't make me think of cancer or someone planning a trip to South Africa didn't make me think of the long flight and possible blood clot...what was life like before I had a health crisis on my hands?? It's getting harder and harder to remember. And yet, every day I'm also reminded how lucky I am to be here. How lucky I am to still have all 4 limbs, eyes, hands, nose, etc. To not be brain damaged after being unconscious from a cardiac arrest. To bitch and moan about the crowds in Times Square when I'm just trying to get to the subway. To get excited to watch "Keeping up with the Kardashians" every Sunday night. To dance on tables and get a little tipsy (just a little Mom and Dad!) at a club. I have my moments where I'm ok, where I cry not because I'm scared about my future, but because my new suede booties got wet in the rain. It's a strange life, but I'm living it.

So I try not to get offended when people use the "I die" phrase around me. Because as a doctor reminded me last week, we're all technically "dying" from the moment we're born and no one's future is promised. It's a bit morbid for my taste because my plan was always to live it's true. So how am I doing? I'm ok, I just completed round 7 of the wonder chemo and I have round 8 right before Christmas. So in January 2012, I will know if I am in complete remission and we'll go from there. It's a strange thing, but it's almost more comforting to be in the middle of chem then it is to be finished and have to go through a scan. Because when you're in the middle of it, you can go about your day, knowing the drugs are killing cancer while you're sleeping, eating, talking, etc. The drugs are doing all the hard work, you're just chillin--kind of! But when you're done and it's time for a scan, then it's time to freak out. I hate it!! But I want it at the same time, I want to know that the cancer is gone. I want to live.


  1. Morgan, your post reminds me of what my aunt always tells me after I tell her "I love you to death"- she'd say "don't love me to death, girl, love me to life"... words have power true, indeed... To repeat what I've said before you are amazing, and an inspiration girlie...luv you to life...

  2. I was just about to start this was 'stay strong', but I now realise how empty, superficial and almost patronising that is (because the people that died, are we inferring they didn't stay strong, or didn't want to fight?)

    So what I'll say is... you will no doubt have good and bad days....take each day one by one.

    From a random stranger that stumbled across your blog.