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Wednesday, July 20, 2011

On to the next one...

So it's almost been a month since my "incident" as I've started to refer to it as. I'm still worried, scared and paranoid as I'm sure anyone would be. Although I adjusted to being alone in my house better than i thought I would, I still have some moments where I freak out...worried that I'll suddenly pass out, unable to call 911 and no one will be here to save me. I keep trying to remember how I felt right before I passed out from the blood clot but unfortunately although I felt a little strange and sat down, there was nothing that scared me or even remotely made me think something was wrong. I was basically asymptomatic which is scarier than anything because without symptoms how do you know anything is wrong??

My doctors have assured me that it's normal to be scared and I've had ultrasounds on my legs and arms to show that there are no clots. I'm now on blood thinners and have a filter in my lung to prevent blood clots from going into my lung. But regardless of knowing all that intellectually, emotionally I still have a ways to go before I feel completely comfortable in my own skin. Oh and yeah there's still that lymphoma issue to deal with. Ugh. If I thought I was over cancer before the blood clot, I'm even more over it now. Why why why do I have to deal with this? I'm so tired of the whole medical field. I simutanesouly love doctors for saving my life and hate them for making me feel like crap. I honestly don't know what medical issue to worry about more. But my oncologist said that the most important thing to focus on is the lymphoma because it is the source that can cause all these other problems. So tomorrow I will begin the SGN-35 treatment that I was supposed to start 4 weeks ago. Thankfully the treatment itself is very quick and its only every 3 weeks and side effects are supposed to be minimal. I'm ready to start another drug that could lead to a cure but there's always optimism at the beginning and I've been down this road so many times it's hard to not worry that it won't work. It has to work. That's it. I lived through a cardiac arrest, blood clot and open heart surgery. I have to believe that I lived to beat this cancer and lived to tell my story and hopefully write a book about it! Plus my doctor told me that I'm probably the only person who had a life threatening blood clot and went on the SGN-35 trial, I love attention and notoriety, but that's not exactly the kind I want. In this case, I want to be like everyone else, the survivors, the high percentage of people who beat this disease and come out victorious.

My friends have been super supportive and even held a recovery party for me 2 weeks ago...complete with party favors and confetti. The pic was taken after a few people left but as you can see I don't look like someone who recently had surgery...I'm telling you hair and makeup work wonders for the healing process! It was nice to feel so loved and special and I can't wait until they throw me a cancer-free party :)

Tomorrow Ross and I are headed to Martha's Vineyard to see my in-laws (such a strange word to say!!) and Ross's extended family. I'm excited about getting out of NYC for a few days and relaxing in MV but I must admit, part of me is worried because last time i tried to go out of town something bad happened. It's funny how your mind makes those connections. I'm trying to reassure myself that I'll be fine and there is a hospital on the island if anything happens...but then I can't believe that I'm living my life worried about hospital locations! Ugh. Next week will be the anniversary of my diagnosis 2 years ago and I NEVER even imagined that I would still be in the "trenches" like I am now. It makes me really sad and confused as to why I'm part of the small percentage of people with Hodgkin's that don't respond to initial treatment. I hate that i do this, but I always look at pictures of my life and think "oh that was before cancer" or "after I knew I had cancer" or even, "oh I probably had cancer then and didn't even know". It really sucks. Sometimes your mind is worse than your body and right now I'm kind of all over the place.

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