As I catch up with friends and family about my recent experience, it's even more clear to me how lucky I am. People have been praying for me and lifting me up and it makes me feel so good to know that. Of course I still have moments of disbelief where I can't believe it happened, can't believe I survived. My mind can barely comprehend everything because it sounds like something that happened to someone else. Ross, my mother and I went to see my oncologist yesterday and he was amazed by my progress a week after surgery. As Ross told him the story and included a detail that I didn't know...that I almost crashed again during the surgery...and I felt like he was talking about an episode of Grey's Anatomy, not me! (I used to love Grey's but I don't think I will be watching anymore!). It's hard to balance the feeling of gratefulness that I am still here with the fear of something like this happening again. Although the doctors have made precautions that it shouldn't happen again, by putting me on blood thinners and a filter in my lung to catch any potential blood clots, the fear of this event is unimaginable. Because it was so sudden and I didn't really have any of the typical symptoms, I'm frightened at the idea of it happening again and being alone. It makes me scared to be alone and I've never felt that way before. I've never felt like I couldn't take care of myself and I suddenly feel so vulnerable. I let my imagination get the best of me and try to figure out what I would do if I was walking down the street, on the subway, in my house and all alone when something like this happens. It's terrifying to feel like this and I'm sure it will get easier as time goes on, but right now it really sucks. As if I don't have enough fears!
And speaking of fears, I still have this cancer to face. Although the blood clot could have happened to anyone, my doc feels that in my case, it prob was a result of the disease. So he said we still need to treat that to prevent further problems from popping up. I was set to start an expanded trial of a drug that's about to approved by the FDA last week, so of course my fear was that I could no longer participate in the trial. Thank the Lord, I am still eligible. My doctor said that we prob will need to wait a few weeks for me to recover before starting this new drug, but the fact that I can still do it is another miracle. You know, it's hard at this point because every drug I've tried has been positioned to me as a "great drug", and I believed the hype until it didn't work for me. I know that just because it doesn't work for me doesn't mean its not a great drug, it just didn't work in my body which is beyond frustrating. So this drug is supposedly the next great drug and I am just hoping that it is what my body needs to kill this disease. It's done great things for people in my position and I want to add to those numbers. Especially after surviving the blood clot, I'm hopeful.
And as usual, I'm anxious to get back to my regular life. My mother is still in town, helping me with all my doctors appts and making sure I don't overexert myself. She is wonderful to have around and part of me doesn't want her to leave because then I'll be alone when Ross goes to work, but it also means it's a step back to normal life, so I'm conflicted. I just want to get better. The pain from the surgery is so unexpected since I never expected to have heart surgery and the recovery is hard because the incision was made in the middle of my chest and you never realize how much you use your torso for everyday things, so I find myself saying "ow" a lot. But it will get better, this I know.