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Friday, April 15, 2011

How do you feel?

I'm...Good, Fine, Bad, Sick, Nauseous, Gross, Indifferent, Ugh, I don't know?? "How do you feel?" has become such a loaded question for me now, because honestly it changes everyday, sometimes within one day. I can feel fine physically and a mess emotionally or vice versa. And often I don't want to think about it, the question forces me to analyze my situation and qualify all my emotional and physical feelings into one answer. Yet it's a question I'm asked often. And I don't know the polite way to tell people to stop asking me (except maybe to write a blog post about it...lol), because I know it's coming from a good place, they are truly concerned about me and want to know how I'm doing. I'm sure if I met someone else in my position, I would ask them the same thing when I saw them, it's just that for me, it's not a simple question. Early on in the process I had to ask my parents to stop asking me how I felt unless I offered it up myself because I found that the moment someone asked me, I immediately felt sick. It was such a psychological thing, but it felt so real in my stomach. I've read that nausea is partly in your brain, but it sure doesn't feel that way!

I don't know, I feel like I've been such a b#$&h lately because I don't know what to feel or how to feel and when I do feel nauseous for days on end, I just want to cry. And then there's the wedding. I just want it to be over, I'm sooo ready to get married. I'm tired of thinking about it, stressing over it, but mostly I'm tired of worrying about how my treatment schedule is coinciding with the most important event in my life. I've said it before, but I'll say it again, it's not fair. It's simply just not fair. I'm simultaneously picking out table linens and getting chemo...what the hell is wrong with this picture? I've been through a bunch of emotional ups and downs throughout the wedding planning process because of my health situation, yes it is a source of happiness, but it also makes me sad because of everything else that is going on. I have a great wedding planner and she's been working hard to make everything run smoothly (thank you Heather!!), but the worse is when I'm upset or depressed about the cancer thing and someone asks my how the wedding planning is going. Argh, I just can't handle it sometimes. There's just such a dichotomy in my life right now, sometimes I don't know how to deal. And once again, I can't get mad at the person asking the question, because they just care about me and they probably think talking about the wedding is a happy thing. And it is, I can't wait to marry Ross and celebrate with all my friends and family, but there will be a huge sigh of relief after it is over and I don't have to think about it anymore. We can just be husband and wife and move on with our lives. At least then I can stop feeling like the poor little sick bride. Maybe that's a little Bridezilla crap talking and I have no idea how I would feel right now if I wasn't going through a health crisis while planning my wedding, I've been thinking about my wedding since I was a little girl and I never thought I would feel this way, but I also didn't expect to have cancer so my world has definitely been rocked.

I'm also probably anxious because it's that time again...scan time. I've lived my life in 2-3 month increments for the past year and a half and it's torturous. I can hope and pray that everything is ok but until I have a scan, I wont really know. I have one in 2 weeks and I'm understandably freaked out. When I started this new treatment, my night sweats went away and my cough got much better, so I was really positive. But my cough never fully went away, it's not as bad as before but it's scaring me. So this is the time when I start dreaming about hearing the doctor say bad news. Ross says I shouldn't even say bad things out loud because it makes it more real for me, but it's so hard. I find myself walking around the city in a daze, thinking about my future. And it doesn't help that I see cancer everywhere, even as I try to avoid it. While watching E! News, reading my People magazine and reading my US Weekly, they all covered a famous director who recently died of lymphoma. I saw it once and tried to ignore it, but it kept popping up in all the media I consume and then I freaked out. It's definitely a mind game trying to stay sane while going through this.

That's not to say that good things aren't going on in my life, it's just that for me, every good day still has a dark cloud lurking over it. However, I had a great bridal shower last month in Charlotte and I'm really excited about going to Miami for my bachelorette party in May. Ross had to remind me that I'm not alone today even though sometimes I feel so alone. But I guess if I was alone, then no one would be asking me how I felt!

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