Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Sometimes when I think about how long this journey has been, I get so sad and depressed. I can't believe I'm still in this dark place where I wont know how I feel from one day to the next and it gets harder and harder to remember my so-called "normal" life...anything "pre-cancer".
Last week I started the new therapy treatment, an immunutherapy called Rituxan and a chemotherapy called Bendamustine. This process will last for 6 weeks and at that point I'll be reevaluated to see where radiation fits in. I'm grateful for every day that I'm not in the hospital, because if I had stayed with my old plan, I would be writing from a hospital bed right now, not the comfort of my own home. I hold on to that thought because these last few days have been rough. I also have to take shot called Neulasta which increases the white blood cells that are lost through the other therapies, but it can also cause extreme bone pain--kind of like you had the worst boot camp workout and every muscle in your body is sore. So Sunday I literally couldn't get out of the bed, I was so sore. I think I could have handled that because I've been sore before, but on top of that, I had horrible nausea. I haven't had to deal with a lot of nausea throughout my ordeal and I consider myself lucky because when I do feel bad, I usually eat something greasy and I feel better. But my old "hungover from alchol" tricks didnt quite work this time. There is no relief, just constant yucky in my tummy. I didn't even want to talk to Ross or my parents who called because I couldn't explain how gross and sick I felt. It just made me feel worse to talk about it. The anti nausea meds I took felt like a joke, a placebo for those who really feel like they will work, and thus this weekend I felt myself slip in a downward spiral of "here I am again", hanging over a toilet bowel and crying, praying that I would throw up just so I would feel better. It's hard because the mind and body forget. I hadn't felt this bad in a while and it just hit me all at once and made me so upset. I told myself that I've been through worse and I can get through this, but its hard when sleep is the only thing that makes the pain go away.
So I stayed home from work to rest although I complain to everyone that resting never makes me feel better. And then today I dragged myself to work in an effort to push through the pain and not fall down the slippery slope of sickness. I was definitely a little shaky, but got better as the day went on and spoke to my nurse about getting a stronger anti nausea med which *fingers crossed* has seemed to work better. Then towards the end of the day I got a great email from my best friend Dani with pictures from The Big Climb in conjunction with the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society that she did with her husband and little girl Payton (my future flower girl!) in my honor on Seattle, WA. It was such an honor to see that they did something so great in my honor and I can't thank them enough for being my heros...Kwame, Danielle's husband, climbed 69 flights of stairs in 13 minutes! Talk about inspiring. I never thought my name would be on a charity t-shirt, so its a strange mix of sadness and amazement, but when I see Payton with her "Team Auntie Morgan" shirt on, I can't help but smile.