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Sunday, February 27, 2011

Fighting for a cure

Well this isn't the post I had planned on posting, I had actually written another post prior to hearing the results of my scan that celebrating being cancer free. I was trying to "speak" my healing into existence in the hopes that I could post it afterwards. But alas, that's not the case. My Feb 24th scan was "better" than my previous scan, but I am still not yet in remission. I feel like a broken record by continuing to write these sad postings, but that is my situation. The silver lining is that my doctors have found a donor for me, but the negative part (at least in my mind) is that I have to have another stem cell transplant, this time with the donor's cells instead of my own cells. This means another stay in the hospital and last time was so traumatic for me so mentally I am scared. I don't want to be scared because I don't have a choice, but that place really brings me down. However, I know that I am lucky and blessed to have a donor who is a near perfect match (the only way he/she could be more perfect is if they were a sibling or a twin). And it's happening quickly, sometime in early March, so I am preparing myself for it.

So last night Ross and I attended the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's annual black tie/casino night gala (see pics above). I bought the tickets in January, of course hoping by the time I attended I would be cancer-free. But I knew we would still go no matter what my results were because I wanted to be involved. It was a sold-out event with over 600 people and it was great to see how much money was raised towards research for people with blood cancers. I wore a dress I borrowed from my coworker Lisa (thanks Lisa!) and got tons of complements, so that of course made my night. Ross and I weren't able to dance too much (I kind of swayed side to side) because I do get tired easily and need to sit down, but we did gamble a little bit so that was fun. The only thing I wish they had were speeches from cancer survivors because selfishly I've always envisioned myself at this event speaking about my victory over cancer! So maybe I will make that suggestion. It was a great event and I'm so happy that we were able to get dressed up, go out and have fun.

The sermon during church today was very poignant for me, it was about the fact that your current situation is NOT your final destination. It is NOT the end. And that was what I needed to hear, I'll keep in fighting, keep on pushing through. And I will have my victory.

Thursday, February 17, 2011


I have been weary this last month or so. Every day is a struggle just to get through it. Every day my body feels differently, whether it's coughing, feeling nauseous, or feeling weak. I feel like I'm dragging my body all over New York City and I'm over it. And that's just the physical. The emotional is so much deeper. So I've been wallowing in it, I've been letting it overtake me and I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. The amount of time I spend thinking and obsessing over this disease is crazy, it has taken over my life. My scan has been scheduled for Feb 24th and I'm freaking out. Part of me wants to stay in the place of the unknown because that somehow feels safer than the known. I've been down this road far too many times and I just want to hear good news. I'm tired of worrying about it, thinking of the day I have to wait in the doctor's office to hear the results. It's beyond terrifying. The worst fear I've ever known. I've read lots of spiritual books and healing verses but I don't know if I've been putting into practice everything that I've been reading. Why? Because when you feel like crap for days on end, you feel like hope is gone. But I fear I've been letting myself stay in a negative place for too long.

So for this next week and half I've been trying to be more positive. One of the books I try to read daily says you must confess that you are healed and you will be. You must put faith in the fact that God will answer your prayers. So I say I am HEALED, because words have power and I ask everyone that reads this blog to say the same thing. It's so easy when someone asks me how I feel to say, "I feel awful", it's sooo much harder to say, "I feel good!", especially when I don't but I am trying to turn it around and say that. Because at the end of the day, I am still alive, breathing, walking, talking, moving and that is Good. That is a blessing. So how am I? I'm good, getting better and better everyday. I am healed, inside and out. I am strong and God has blessed me with so much in my life. I am choosing to speak Faith, not Fear and it's a struggle everyday, but I am trying.

I am Healed.