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Saturday, January 22, 2011

Good days and bad days

It's been a rough past few weeks, mainly because I never know how I'm going to feel. The first day of the new chemo I felt great! I left the hospital, went to a bridal store to order bridesmaids dresses, ran a few errands and went to a Leukemia and Lymphoma society workshop. The next few days I felt fine and hestingly told everyone around me that I felt good. Then my throat started to hurt, then my head started to hurt, and then I didn't feel so good. The chemo can cause mouth sores and pain so I took some meds for that and started to feel better just in time for the next session of chemo. Once again I felt great! But 3 days later my stomach started to hurt and I had to miss a day of work. Now I'm on the break portion of the treatment and I have 2 weeks off from chemo which I originally thought I would feel fine during, but I'm so up and down. I would say I feel better right now but not 100% and I know it's the reality of the situation, i.e., chemo makes you sick, but it's still so frustrating. I felt soooo good over the holidays and I just want to go back to that normal feeling, I hate this half-ass, kinda tired, sometimes sick, yucky feeling I'm in--constantly. It's hard and I get upset because I tell myself to push through it, it will be over soon, but it's hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel.

And then I get a call last night from one of the nurses telling me that my white blood cell count was really low and they need me to take another medicine (I take like 6 every night, I feel like an old lady) and possibly some shots to boost the cells. UGH! He asked me if I was tired and I admit I don't feel my normal energy level but I had just come from the gym for a workout session and I've been taking swimming classes to stay active so I guess I didn't think I was that tired and my counts were so low. Low white blood cells means lack of energy and risk of infection. So now this thought is in my head that I'm a walking case of "infect me!" since my white blood cells were so low. Then I went to a friend's birthday dinner and club outing where I was the only one who couldn't drink (this new chemo doesn't allow for ANY alcohol anymore) and of course when Beyonce's "Get Me Bodied" came on I found myself breathless after dancing. I try to tell myself its mind over matter, but of course I woke up this morning feeling tired and like I had a cold! UGH. Must. Feel. Better. I have to remember I'm not like everyone else with tons of energy and tons of infection-fighting white blood cells and it sucks! I miss feeling good so bad!

I know this is how it will be for the next month and it's tough, but I pray and hope that I'm going through this pain and suffering for a good reason and it will all be worth it when i can finally say I'm cancer-free.

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