Two weeks ago I decided I would try really hard to be more positive about my situation. I told myself that I would try to not feel so sorry for myself and pray that being more positive would be beneficial to my emotional and physical self. It's hard, but I spoke with a guy who had a similar battle with Hodgkin's. He was in remission for 3 years before he relapsed and then had a stem cell transplant. He was very positive and told me that reciting affirmations helped him get through some of the hard times. Saying, "I am cured", the "medicine is working" were things he needed to tell himself over and over again even as he walked through the hustle and bustle of the NYC streets.
So I've decided to adopt that method and continually say those things to myself whenever the dark thoughts enter my mind. And I have to say it hasn't been easy. There have been times when I thought about postponing the wedding because I thought it was just too much to deal with everything going on. Instead of this happy event to look forward to, it became a burden that I had to worry about. But Ross said he didn't think we should postpone it because it would be giving in to the disease and deep down I didn't want to postpone the wedding, I just got scared and stressed about it coinciding with all this medical drama. I want to be past this cancer period in my life so bad so I can enjoy my wedding day and my marriage and there is still hope that I will be.
As cliche as it sounds, I am really trying to turn over a new leaf. I'm moving forward with the wedding planning...Ross and I started the first leg of our wedding registry today and starting planning our honeymoon...and I'm trying to take it one day at a time. I started the new chemo and while I don't feel great, I certainly don't feel as bad as the previous drugs have made me feel. The holidays are coming up and its my favorite time of the year, so I hope that will automatically bring joy and happiness that I need into my life.