Thursday, October 14, 2010
Yesterday I found out that the pathologist specialist did confirm the cells were Hodgkins. Apparently it's very rare for the cells to look like an infection as it did, but he still diagnosed it as Hodgkins. Even though I expected to hear this, it was still so hard. At this point I'm asking not just "Why Me?" but "Why Still Me?", why can't I shake this disease and move on with my life. I feel lost, tired, emotionally and physically drained. When people ask how I'm doing, expecting me to say "great", I feel like saying I don't know. It's hard when you get to this point because everyone around expects you to be done and able to move on and I want to so bad, but I can't. I'm scared to make plans, thinking about the future and I get overwhelmed at any sort future plan because I don't know what will happen. I'm not sure the next steps yet, it probably wont include radiation since I had all the previous lung issues, so it will be some sort of medicine. But part of me wants to do nothing. I'm soo over being the patient and I just want to move past it.