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Thursday, October 14, 2010

Feeling Lost

Yesterday I found out that the pathologist specialist did confirm the cells were Hodgkins. Apparently it's very rare for the cells to look like an infection as it did, but he still diagnosed it as Hodgkins. Even though I expected to hear this, it was still so hard. At this point I'm asking not just "Why Me?" but "Why Still Me?", why can't I shake this disease and move on with my life. I feel lost, tired, emotionally and physically drained. When people ask how I'm doing, expecting me to say "great", I feel like saying I don't know. It's hard when you get to this point because everyone around expects you to be done and able to move on and I want to so bad, but I can't. I'm scared to make plans, thinking about the future and I get overwhelmed at any sort future plan because I don't know what will happen. I'm not sure the next steps yet, it probably wont include radiation since I had all the previous lung issues, so it will be some sort of medicine. But part of me wants to do nothing. I'm soo over being the patient and I just want to move past it.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Still not an answer....

So I had my bronc procedure last Thursday and immediately after, the surgeon said that he thought my biopsy tissue looked like tuberculosis. Now TB isn't a walk in the park, but its not cancer. And its treated with anti biotics, not chemo, so that sounded good to me. I was a bit worried about having that disease, but anything sounded better than lymphoma.

However, today my doctor told me today that my biopsy came back positive. Basically, they did some initial tests and those were all negative but then they did additional tests and the cells looked similar to lymphoma cells, but they are not 100% sure. He still needs to speak with another pathologist for a final diagnosis, so I wont know for sure until next week...again. This is dragging on so much longer than I had hoped and I'm emotionally exhausted at not knowing what's going on inside my body.

Of course I was very upset and immediately burst into tears upon hearing this news, so thank goodness Ross was there. My doctor was very sweet and explained to me that worse case scenario and it is lymphoma, the area of concern is very small and I could be treated with a small dose of radiation and some meds in an IV that he promised wouldn't make me sick at all. Or they could decide to wait and have another scan again in a few weeks. So that made me feel better because my worst fear is going back into the hospital again for another transplant, but he said that wouldn't be the next step.

I just prayed so hard that I would be writing a blog post that I am disease free and in remission and it just doesn't seem that easy! I don't get it, because I know that God doesn't give you more than you can handle, but I feel like I have reached my breaking point with this disease. I want it out of my life, ASAP!

Thankfully, my doctor's words made me feel better, he promised me that while this isn't good news, its not horrible, life ending news and they can treat this. And he gave a few examples of patients with disease far worse than mine that are doing well. So all I can do is hope and pray I'll get this. Believe me, the second I'm cancer free, I'll be shouting it from the rooftops, so you wont have to ask.