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Thursday, August 5, 2010

Lock Down...again

Well it felt like "lock down" AKA jail, but I suppose in the end it wasn't that bad. Last Friday I was admitted to the hospital kicking and screaming. My doctors knew something was in my lungs but they weren't sure what it was, either pneumonia or an infection or just a reaction to all the chemo drugs. Therefore they wanted to do a lung biopsy and keep me in the hospital to treat me with steroids and antibiotics. Once I learned I would go back to the very same floor that I left just 52 days ago, I became very upset. I've noticed that I have extreme anxiety about being "stuck" anywhere for long periods of time and being unable to leave...since I left the hospital, I can't shake that feeling. And as silly as it sounds, the most random things stress me out...with all the media coverage of Lindsey Lohan going to real jail for 2 weeks, newscasters constantly showed pictures of the cell she would be confined to for 23 hours of the day, only able to leave for 1 hour. And of course this brought me back to my days at the hospital (even though obviously I was treated better than a prisoner) and I would freak out, just by watching a little E! News. Crazy.

So you can imagine I was not happy about being admitted. The doctors explained to me that it was for my best interest, but I still made a big fuss. When I made it up to the transplant floor, the head nurse gave me a big hug and said, "I heard you didn't want to come back and see us and you were crying!", I was like, "I would have been thrilled to see you anywhere but here..no offense!". Everyone was really nice and assured me that I wouldn't be there long. In fact, they didn't have to do too much since I wasn't hooked up to an IV and just given meds via pills. Of course this infuriated me even more, because I figured that I could take the pills from the luxury of my own couch which--as I told numerous nurses and doctors--was only 20 blocks away from the hospital. But of course, theres a method to the madness and as much as I DID NOT want to be there, I know they were just being safe. I had my lung biopsy and was released on Sunday, just in time to head to Target with Ross for some home decor shopping. Thankfully, the meds did their job and I felt much better, I could walk around like a normal person with out huffing and puffing with every step. It turns out that I didn't have any infection or pneumonia, so they concluded my shortness of breath was caused by a reaction to the chemo drugs. So the steroids should clean that up in a few weeks.

In retrospect (which is of course is always easier), I'm glad I had the tests and they could treat me, but at the time I was terrified to stay in the hospital. And of course, now all I can focus on is the fact that this particular steroid can make you gain weight if you're on it a long time...great! I've been told I won't be on it that long but me being me, its on my mind. After everything I've been through physically, the last thing I want to think about it is my weight, but I'm still that girl. But hopefully it wont be a problem for me. Next up, rescheduling my mtg with my wedding planner so we can get the ball rolling...I've been having dreams lately where its the day of the wedding and I haven't done anything, so I think it's time for me to focus on it!

4 comments:

  1. Hey my darling daughter!
    I must admit that I just got caught up on your last two blog posts. As we all deal with the aftermath of your treatments, I just wasn't ready to read what you were thinking. It's just been so hard for you enduring this and for us trying to help you through it. However, after reading your posts all I can say is what amazing insight you have and how you express it. I know that your honesty and transparency will help another young person facing a devastating diagnosis. We miss you and look forward to seeing you at home in Charlotte for a visit soon. Let's enjoy this wedding planning!
    Hugs,
    Mommie

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  2. Hello Morgan - your fabulous Mom & Dad have kept all your adopted aunts & uncles (admirers) up to date on your ups, downs, challenges, and achievements. To say they are proud of you (as are we all) would be a very large understatement. You are an amazing young woman, and your ability to share what is happening to you so clearly and honestly is your gift. It's a gift we all appreciate, and for which we love you.
    Tell Ross we look forward to meeting him -- he comes with splendid kudos from your Mom & Dad. Enjoy the planning, and then life. I've been married (to the same fabulous fellow) for 54 years ... it's a wonderful journey. With love, Joan (Zimmerman)

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  3. Morgan,

    I'm trying to catch up on all the blogs, and it seems like each time I get into a flow you have tears coming from my eyes. You most certainly have the gift of writing. I was looking at old pictures the other day, and it seems like yesterday that we were at Marie G Davis and Myers Park together.
    And Ross seems like an amazing guy, and I'm so happy that you have found a good man that supports you in everything that you do. Hopefully I will get to meet him the next time you all are down this way, or that I'm up there. And I know that you two are going to plan a beautiful wedding.
    Well before I start writing too much, let me just say that I admire you for your strength and your faith. Keep blogging and I'll keep reading.

    With Love, Cassi N

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  4. Streams in the Desert (August 13th): How can we have rain without clouds. Our troubles have always brought us blessings, an they will, for they are the dark chariots of God's bright and glorious grace. Before long the clouds will be emptied and every tender plant will be happier. Our God may drench us with grief, but He will refresh us with His mercy.......

    Hang in there Morgan. You are amazing and it's my prayer your anxiety is soon replaced with joy.

    Blessings,
    Whitni

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