Today is the one year anniversary of the day Ross and I got engaged! Hard to believe I've been rocking this ring for that long, although my finger does feel naked without it! It's a date that I had to remind him of earlier this week (he assured me it wasn't so much about the date for him, he was just focused on the fact that I said yes, lol). When I think back to that day, it feels like so long ago because so much has happened in my life since then. If anyone had told me what I would be up against over the next year, I don't think I could have ever believed them. The day we were engaged was a joyous one not only for us, but for both of our families that got to witness the event. I had just started chemo but was feeling great and showed no signs of sickness yet, so it was sort of the calm before the storm.
In a few weeks Ross and I will travel back to Martha's Vineyard for Labor Day weekend and it will be the first time we are on the island since our engagement. I'm so excited to go because this has been an exhausting summer and I'm due for a vacation! I definitely need a break from New York. Lately as my physical health has been improving, my emotional psyche has become a little erratic. The dark cloud over my head is my upcoming PET scan in September that transplant patients typically have 90 days after transplant. It's just scary because I've never had an "all clean" PET scan, I've had "good progress" ones, but never that complete sign off that all the cancer is gone. And this is it.
It's a lot to process, especially considering that I thought I would have that "all clean" PET scan back in February, only to be sadly mistaken. So I'm feeling anxious. It's the same anxiety I experienced back in May before I went to the hospital, because I was so scared of what would happen. It was hard but I got through it and I know I can get through this as well. I received a much more aggressive treatment this time around and my doctors are all very positive. I just wish there was something I could do to insure that I'm ok, but all I can do is wait. I think for the next year this will be a common feeling (you're typically scanned every 3 months) and I think each time the inevitable scan comes up on the calendar, the feelings will come back. But I hope it will get easier as time goes, easier to believe that I am healthy and the cancer is gone and will never come back. Because really, that's the only option.