I haven't written in a month because I've been in a weird place. I'm beyond thrilled that I'm out of the hospital...I can't even really recollect my hospital experience because at times it makes me feel sick to my stomach. But now that I'm back in the real world, I've found myself struggling. My mind has become a dark place and I'm more scared than ever about the future. As the anniversary of my diagnosis approaches this month, I think about how I felt in the beginning. I was very scared, but the stats and doctors told me that I was going to be ok. But when the first line of treatment didn't cure me, all bets were off. Throughout the 2nd round of treatment, there were certain steps to be taken and my mind was focused on that. Now that I'm done, its watch and wait and this is so hard.
It takes a lot for me to get myself together and go out in the world everyday...and I mean a lot. I try to be my personal cheerleader and put on a normal face but inside I feel like I'm crumbling because my body has gone through so much and my mind has gone through so much yet everyone else's life seems to have stayed the same. Its a hard, long recovery process and I feel like I'm just at the beginning, both physically and mentally. At this point I thought I would feel better but I'm still really tired and don't feel or look like myself. I miss her, the girl who I used to see in the mirror and I'd give anything to get her back. Looking at old pictures is so bittersweet because I look so happy and carefree. I used to run towards a camera because I loved taking pictures, now I run from the camera because I don't want to capture an image of this person I've become who I don't recognize.
Unfortunately this is a process that is hard to understand unless you've been through it yourself, I feel bad for Ross because he has to comfort me almost every other day when I burst into tears out of the blue. Just when I'm off focusing on something else, cancer comes back into the picture, whether its a commercial on TV, an article in a magazine or slipped into a conversation. I marvel at the causal way people mention cancer, but then again I used to do the same thing! Before cancer you know it involves chemo and you lose your hair and you get sick, but you really have no concept of the amount of time spent in the doctors office, the physical pain and the emotional torture unless its happened to you or someone you love. It's a lonely club to belong to, frankly I wish I had never been selected for membership.
I'm hoping to get my "mojo" back soon and get through this hard time in my life. I think once I start to feel better, my mind will follow. But its frustrating because all the side effects from treatment take like a day to happen to you but months for them to go away. And that's the reality.