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Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Counting down the days...

This past weekend was Memorial Day Weekend and I was determined to make the best of it, as I will be admitted to the hospital this Thursday for my stem cell transplant. It’s not an easy pill to swallow because I don’t know how bad I will feel, how long I will be there and how I will survive being in the hospital for weeks on end. I was told I could be there anywhere from 3-4 weeks which is a lonngggg time. I’ve never been anywhere for that long…no vacation, no work trip, nothing. I feel like I’m headed for a jail sentence (which honestly at times I would prefer), because I simply cant imagine what it will be like to not feel the sun on my face or the wind in my hair for that long. Plus hospitals stink! I’m a fanatical weather checker…I tune in to the Today show each morning to find out what the weather will be, what outfit I should wear depending on the temp and if I should use an umbrella. I even double check on my phone to make sure that it syncs up with Al’s forecast. And for 3 weeks the weather outside won’t even matter. I found myself looking at the weekend forecast this morning and I had to remind myself it wouldn’t matter because I would be stuck inside the hospital…I could wear a bikini or a snowsuit and it wouldn’t matter.

It’s really hard to comprehend that this is actually happening to me. Although I had a great weekend…saw Sex and the City 2, hung out in the Hamptons at a pool party, spent time in Central Park with friends…in the back of my mind I knew this would all end very soon. I tried to memorize the trees, the grass, my apartment, my block, anything that will stick with me over these next few weeks. Many times this weekend I found myself consumed with emotion at the drop of a hat at the thought of what’s ahead of me. Ross has done his best to comfort me and my parents have already made arrangements to come back to NYC, but the bottom line is that no one will know the pain, fatigue, and worry that I feel except for me when I am lying in that hospital bed. It’s a scary, scary thing and I can’t say how anyone would prepare for it. I found myself dealing with a lot of anxiety these past couple of weeks and have had trouble sleeping at night because I would wake up in tears at the thought of everything. I’ve known since February that this procedure would happen and one would think that would give me time to process it, but as the days get closer the harder it gets.

I haven’t had a chemo treatment in a month and I feel like I’ve been on vacation. Vacation because I’ve been able to go to work everyday, cook dinner with my fiancĂ©, do a little wedding planning, go out with friends and even have the occasional glass of wine…I’ve felt so normal! And its funny how the mind forgets. I can almost recall the horrible feeling that the ICE chemo gave me but it also feels like it happened so long ago. So I think that makes this hard because I’m set to start another form of chemo called BEAM on Thursday and I’m so tired of feeling sick, I could scream.

The silver lining is, in retrospect things never seem as bad. I didn’t think I could get through the last ICE treatment, but I did. So I know I’ll get through this and I know when I look back, I’ll be amazed at my strength and what my body can handle. And I know I’ll be jumping for joy that this hell is over and I can be healthy again. I just wish I had a time machine that got me to that place a little sooner…

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