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Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Not safe anymore

I'm writing this post as I'm having stem cells collected from my blood that will later be transplanted back into me to help cure me. It's one of the few procedures that I've had to go through that don't hurt or make me feel sick. I still feel anxious, mostly because it's time consuming and means that I spend half the day in the hospital which is always very frustrating. It's a mind blowing process because essentially I am curing myself with my own stem cells. Crazy right? It's hard to believe that modern medicine allows us to do such a thing.

I haven't updated the blog in a while because it's been a long couple of weeks. After I received my PET scan results, I had another round of ICE which sucked with a capital S. This chemo just makes you feel awful and there's nothing you can do except wait for time to pass. After this round I was especially weak and tired, causing me to pass out in church a few weeks ago. It was horrible, I fainted and had to be taken out in an ambulance right back to...yep you guessed it..the hospital. I was devastated to be back in the hospital so soon after treatment and tried to convince the ER doctor I was fine so she would let me go home. On top of that, when I fainted I cracked my front tooth so I was freaking out about that and needed to see my dentist ASAP. Thankfully I saw my dentist the next day and she was able to make it good as new...well I can tell the difference but I think it actually looks better than before.

I was speaking with a friend a few weeks ago who recently lost her father very suddenly. I felt awful for her and cannot imagine what she is going through with that loss as I'm sure she cannot imagine what I'm going through. We talked about our crappy situations and agreed that if one thing was for sure, we both didn't feel safe anymore. We had both lead pretty great lives, with no major crisis, and all of a changes just like that. Prior to my sickness I didn't think that I took life for granted, I had watched enough news programs and read enough magazine stories to know that bad things happen to good people. But when it happens to you, all bets are off. You just feel like for the rest of your life you know something horrible could happen to you, your family or your friends. And that's an awful feeling. I just don't have that same level of "safeness" that I used to have before when the worst thing that happened to me was that my boyfriend moved to Pittsburgh. My faith has grown much more absolute during this process and I think that's all you can count on, because your body can fail you at any moment and you have to believe that God has a plan.

It's hard though, to understand God's plan. Why I had to get sick and why my friend's father had to die. I try not to get too sad about everything because you can get overcome with so much emotion that you feel like you're losing yourself. But it's hard, I'm at the point where I'm so tired of feeling sorry for myself and so tired of crying, but there are times when I can't help it. Thankfully, Ross has moved back to New York after graduating last month and he's been by my side for these last few weeks, holding me up when I'm at my most vulnerable. And those are the times I do feel safe, when I'm with him or my family and they tell me how much they love me and how I'm going to get through this.

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