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Wednesday, January 13, 2010

New Year, New Me

I am so thrilled that it is 2010! Ross and I celebrated hard on New Years Eve in Charlotte and with good reason. 2009 was not a good year for me...although I said this to Ross and he reminded me that he popped the question in '09, so it wasn't all bad. This is very true and now that our wedding is officially next summer (only 17 months to go!), there's a lot to look forward to.

This time next week I will officially be done with chemo!! My last chemo treatment is next Tuesday, Jan 19th and I couldn't be happier. I am ready to NOT visit the hospital every 2 weeks and to NOT feel sick and nauseous for 4 days afterwards. Definitely ready to shake up the routine that I've had for the past 6 months. I will have another PET scan 4 weeks after my last treatment and then I'll find out how often I will need to have scans after that. I think it will be every few months.

As I go into my last treatment, I have so many questions for my doctor, like: When can I eat sushi again? When can I get my nails done?? (I have a ring to show off and my nails look like crap) When do these brown marks on my shoulders and back go away? When does my hair stop falling out? (yes it still comes out a little bit) When will I forget how chemo made me feel? How will this affect the rest of my life? When do I feel normal again? When can I say I'm cured?? It's a lot to deal with and this next chapter brings even more of the unknown as I re-adjust my life to not just "beating cancer while staying fabulous", but "being fabulous and, oh yeah I had cancer."

People have asked if this experience has changed me and I feel like I have to say yes and no. In some ways I feel like I was able to hang on to the things that make me happy and make me who I am. But in other ways I know I am a changed person, a new me. Cancer was an awful, awful thing that happened to me and I can never go back to the way it was. I look in the mirror and I feel like I see a different person...I know I'm definitely beat down both physically (which I try to hide with Laura Mercier concealer on a daily basis) and emotionally. These past 6 months have felt like 6 years and I know the marathon isn't over yet, but I've finally made it to the top of the hill! It's so hard to imagine a day when cancer won't be on my mind 24/7 but when that day comes, I am ready!

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