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Monday, December 21, 2009

Smells are a funny thing

I swear I smell the hospital sometimes. I smell the antibacterial gels, the rubber gloves, the needles and the medicine and it makes me feel sick--even when I haven't just had chemo! I've stopped taking my anti-nausea medication because the smell and taste of it (and sometimes just the thought of it) make me feel nauseous...oh the irony! It would be funny if it didn't make me feel like I was going to throw up. I was never a fan of hospitals before and I am certainly not a fan now. Sometimes it's hard just to put one foot in front of the other to walk to the hospital for a treatment or test because I dread the smells inside that place.

I've had to stop using Purell at the airport or my office because just a whiff and I get flashbacks. So I've resorted to washing my hands 10 million times a day, which isn't bad, it's just not that convenient. I think I dread chemo mostly because of the smells, the process itself isn't that bad once you get used to it, but that hospital smell gets stuck to you and you can't get it off! I never know what will trigger it, but every once in a while in my house, at work, on the street, I smell something that turns my stomach and reminds me of my current situation.

I cannot wait to be done. 2 more treatments, 2 more treatments. It's like a mantra I have to repeat to myself to get to the end--kinda like when I'm working out and I have to tell myself just 10 more minutes to go. It's been a looonnngggg 5 months (wow 5 months??) and even though I'm close to the end, it's harder now than ever before. I feel emotionally beaten down from the process and it ain't over! I'm hoping my spirits will be lifted after I'm finished with chemo and I just have to focus on rebuilding myself. I'm going home to Charlotte for Christmas in a few days and that should help as well, because I like to pretend that things are as they used to be and being back in Charlotte will definitely let me do that...well until I see people who haven't seen me since "the news". I'm not looking forward to that because I think it will bring back all the sad crazy feelings I had when I was first diagnosed. I know that my parents' friends and close acquaintances will want to see me, but I think it will be hard to sort of re-live the whole thing again. It's probably not the most rational or sane thing to do, but sometimes I'd rather just pretend I'm fine and never went through this. Unfortunately it doesn't really work that way and I know I did go through this and things aren't the same as they used to be. Plus, I can't exactly back away from someone who just wants to ask how I'm doing--that would be a little weird. So I must be an adult and face the music.

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