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Saturday, November 14, 2009

Why Me?

I like to think of myself as a unique person that doesn't necessarily follow the same path as everyone else, so when I find myself having the typical "Why Me?" moments throughout this experience I get mad because its so cliche. And I'm anything but cliche! Lol. Understandably though, it's a natural reaction, so I try not to beat myself up about it.

Recently I've had a couple of emotional "Why Me?" moments and it will just hit me out of nowhere. I'll be watching TV or listening to a friend tell a story and I'll think, "Man, why do I have to deal with this horrible thing in my life? Why me? Why me? Why me??". I'll cry and feel sorry for myself and it will feel good to let it out, but then I have to tell myself to pull it together and move on. I think at this point I'm just tired of the whole cancer/chemo's not new and interesting anymore...I'm soo over it! Even when I physically feel ok, emotionally at times I feel drained and become overwhelmed just thinking about it, I just want to be done!

Yesterday I felt a little sick and I got really upset because it wasn't a chemo week and normally I should be back to my same ol' self by now. I don't know whether it was the sausage I ate that morning or the chemo still flowing through my veins but I just felt a little crappy and I started feeling sad because I don't want to feel crappy, I just want to be fine. However, I was at work so it wasn't really the best time for a pity party, so as the tears started to come to my eyes I felt like an idiot because I cant just sit at my desk crying--especially when I really didn't feel that bad! So I had to chant to myself "Get it together!!" (which interestingly enough was part of a cheer from my high school cheerleading squad so that made me smile a bit). It worked and then I felt much better (and a little silly) but it's like you never know when these moments are gonna sneak up on you and ruin your perfectly applied navy eyeliner.

I know its ok to have "Why Me?" moments and cry a little bit, although I'm tired of crying because it always makes my nose run too and that's no fun. I can only feel sad for so long so I try not to wallow in the emotion too long. Because really, why not me? I've read that 1 in 5 people get cancer in their lifetime so the chances are alarmingly high. It really really sucks, but I know I can handle it and I am one of the lucky ones with a highly treatable form of the disease so part of me feels like I was chosen to go through this for some bigger purpose. I don't know what that is yet, but I'll let you know when I figure it out.

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