Alanis Morrisette really said it best in her song "Ironic". Song lyrics are here if you're unfamilar :) I'm feeling like my life is really ironic right now. Physically I'm doing well...I finished my 4th treatment today and although I feel a little achy in my back and neck (a new symptom of chemo....it's never boring I'll tell you that), I'm doing ok. Emotionally though I find myself feeling angry. It was hard to make the walk to the hospital today and I'm consistently struggling to get my attitude in check when I think about what I have to deal with. I think it really comes down to being scared at this point in the journey.
The end of the 4th treatment means that it's time for another PET scan. A PET scan is where I go lie in a big machine and it creates a 3-D image of my body so they can see everything that's going on inside of me. I drink a radioactive tracer so it can highlight any bad stuff AKA cancer in my body. The first time I had one was before I had any treatments and it solidified my diagnosis, so my doctor is hopeful that this one shows the cancer is all gone. I want to believe its gone, I need to believe its gone, hell it needs to be gone!!! So its scary and exciting, the time is here to determine if the past 3 months of yuckiness has worked. And it betta! The PET scan is scheduled for Nov 30th, much to me and my mom's dismay because we hoped to celebrate the cancer's death at Thanksgiving but that's ok, because we can celebrate at Christmas, New Years, MLK Day, President's Day, etc... Shoot, everyday from here on out I might be doing a little jig just walking down the street!
Luckily my mom's sister, my Aunt Claire came to be with me this weekend (she reminds me so much of my mom, so it felt like she was there too) and my friend Christa and my family friend Michelle were also part of the "entourage" today so we had a good time in chemo.
My body appears to be responding when I get my biweekly checkups but only the PET scan can show for sure. Other than my emotional turmoil, my last treatment went really well. I was a cancer jet-setter, jumping on a plane straight from chemo to attend my college's homecoming in Chapel Hill, NC. It was the 1st day with chemo where I had absolutely no nausea...amazing!! My friend Eboni picked me up from the airport and we drove to the hotel to meet my other friend Nichelle and we quickly got dressed, went to dinner with about 20 other girls and then to a party. It was surreal to be back on campus 5 years after graduating and be dealing with this disease, because its definitely not anything I imagined my future would be like when I was in undergrad, but it was a fun experience. First of all, we all looked amazing since graduating if I do say so myself (keeping it fabulous of course..see pics above) and it's always interesting to catch up with people you haven't seen in a while. It was odd when I was asked what new is going on in my life (besides my engagement) and I immediately think "Cancer!" but who wants to say that and ruin the festive mood, so I just said, "oh you know, work and stuff" and kept it moving. I also caught up with my "little" brother Garrett (yeah he's 22 and 6'5" but I still call him little) who is in the area at law school. I felt a little nausea on Sat and Sun but nothing extreme.
The irony is that this is the scariest time of my life and the happiest time of my life. As I flip through wedding books while sitting in chemo, I'm like, wow, really?? Because if this had to happen to me, this was the perfect timing because its before I'm getting married, before I have responsibilities of a husband and children, and before I move on to the next chapter in my life. And if I had to get cancer, this is the cancer to get. So I'm blessed! But in an ironic state of mind.